Jealousy.  An undesirable, unwelcome and unwanted visitor.  

Who admits to a close relationship with this green-eyed beauty?  An intense and often overwhelming emotion that can leave us feeling out of control and dare I say it crazy…ssssshhh…….(or was that just me?)

Have you ever said “oh I’m not a jealous person”.  For most of my life, this was not a familiar feeling. I would observe other people exhibiting it in certain situations and think ‘that seems irrational’ and shake my head in bafflement. No prizes for stating the obvious. Several years ago, after some big personal life changes, I found myself catapulted into a cesspit of intensely disconcerting feelings and emotions. I made a commitment to open myself up to 100% self-love and embrace and accept all parts of me. This opened the door to many unexpected horrors and rude awakenings.

Jealousy and I suddenly became bosom buddies and like a mysterious, ever pervading unpleasant smell, I couldn’t shake it off. 

It would not leave me alone, until I became really comfortable acknowledging its existence.  Apparently unrelated incidents seem to trigger it and I behaved and responded in all sorts of nutbag ways. There were times where I found myself spewing forth venom (or that’s how it felt). The recipient (one person in particular) would stare at me as though I was channelling The Exorcist and start to slowly back away. Okay not quite but you get the gist. It was a strange, out of control kind of feeling for about 2 years until I got to know it intimately and listened to what it was trying to tell me.

Initially I was full of judgement about how ‘wrong‘ it was and how ‘terrible‘ I was because really ‘no decent sane person feels like that‘ and other helpful chit-chat. I spiralled in circles hating myself and denying my feelings. But jealousy didn’t go anywhere, until I had completely accepted it. ALL our feelings are merely messengers. It was an incredibly valuable lesson and I learnt so much about myself—mainly about how self-love is a long-term commitment. During this time I received the information for and created “Receive” Alchemical oil, which was about receiving and acknowledging ALL parts of ourselves back into our hearts – particularly the aspects we really don’t like, like jealousy.

The more I delved into this intensity over a period of months, I kept asking myself ‘when I did learn this feeling was so wrong? Where has this originated from?’ Eventually a childhood memory arose, from when I was 4 years old and I’d just started primary school. A girl in my class, Tracey, had asked me to go and play at her house. An only child, I was excited about my new friend. At playtime, she changed her mind, uninvited me and asked Pauline to go instead (yep I still remember their names). I was confused. What had I done wrong? Very upset, I slapped the unassuming Pauline. Next thing, a teacher, Mrs Wild (real name), demanded to know what the fuss was about. Why was Pauline crying? I told her. Furious, in front of the playground, she shouted ‘so you’re a jealous, nasty little girl.’ I was on fire, flooded with shame and humiliation as the playground fell silent. Everyone was staring at me open-mouthed. I didn’t really understand what she meant, only that whatever jealousy was, it was the worst. Not only was I this thing, I was nasty too. Even at that tender age, I knew nasty was very bad. Clearly, I decided in this moment to never feel jealousy again and blocked it out. And I didn’t feel it or even remember that incident, until my mid-late 30s. The ‘jealousy to the max’ immersion then dissolved and thankfully (touches wood), I’ve never had such an extreme experience again.

So if you ever find yourself in this state of inner turmoil and feeling so bad – about feeling so bad, maybe this will help you feel a teensy bit better, in knowing you are not alone.

This is what I learnt (over and over and over):-

• EVERYONE feels jealous at some time or other.  Most people don’t openly admit it, either to themselves or to anyone else – as they fear being judged, so they repress or ignore these feelings.  So give yourself a break.  Newsflash – you’re human.
• Jealousy is never really about anyone else.  When we feel jealous in relation to what someone else is doing, it’s because a part of us feels it’s missing out.  E.g, if he/she is giving someone else attention – does that mean that there is less available for me?
• Jealousy arises from an underlying belief “there is not enough love for me“.  This is obviously NOT true.  However, there is a part of us that believes this to be true in that moment and believes in a limited supply of love, or money, or attention or whatever it is. Love is infinite.
• Jealousy is an opportunity to address your own needs.  Feelings of jealousy are a result of our own lack of self-worth.  So the good news is, we can be proactive.  No-one else can satisfy these needs for us in a sustainable way.  What small step can you take now to take responsibility?
• Jealousy is a cry for help from a vulnerable part of us that is desperately trying to get our attention.  Imagine this fearful, lonely and anxious part crying out ‘Please listen to me. I need your help. I’m feeling neglected and unloved.‘  If it was a friend saying that to you, wouldn’t you take the time to listen?  Or would you stick your fingers in your ears and sing ‘lalalalalala can’t hear you‘.
• When you feel that churning, burning jealousy in your gut or chest,  it’s a chance to ask “which part of me am I most resisting?’ Breathe into it. Acknowledge it’s there.  Ask “Which part of me do I find the most difficult to love?  What do I most need from me right now?”  You might be surprised at the answer.  It’s usually not about the situation appearing on the surface.  Dig a bit deeper.
• Jealousy is a HUGE gift waiting for you.  So the next time you have this feeling, don’t try to suppress or block it. Just acknowledge to yourself that it’s there. Welcome it with a sense of curiosity.  I guarantee it has a gift for you.  Allow the answers to come.  They will. They have probably been waiting to be heard for a long time.

Here’s the big question to ask: “Which part of me is so desperately seeking acceptance from others – when I’m soooo unwilling to give this to myself?”

What an opportunity to really get to know this part of you that you’ve been avoiding and neglecting, because of your judgements about it.  Once we get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, everything else is an experience to observe.  When we get to know and embrace the parts of ourselves that we find the most challenging, transformation occurs in the most unexpected ways.  When we give ourselves full permission to feel everything, then we become truly present with ourselves. When we become truly present with ourselves, we can be present for others…..We can stand in our authentic truth and say ‘yes this is me.  Green eyes, warts ‘n’ all!‘

Share below, what you do to address any feelings of jealousy that arise?

And now just in case that was a bit heavy and because I like this song, click here for  “Green Eyes” by Coldplay 😉