When you have been single for a while and are feeling ready for a new relationship, there can be a tendency to presume that everything would be ‘better’ if only we were with ‘Mr or Mrs Right’. No-one is a stranger to dreaming about meeting that ‘perfect’ person.
Apart from a few short term karmic (wtf!?) ‘experiences’ I was single for 8 years after I split from my ex-husband. I regularly wondered if I would be in a romantic relationship again. My wonderful partner (worth the wait) did not appear until I had long let go of any attachment to being with someone. Coincidence? I think not. Of course I met him in a unromantic-related situation. I have dedicated many years to this notion of a loving relationship with myself and it’s not for the fainthearted.
If we are really honest with ourselves, many romantic relationships are based on need.
Putting aside initial chemistry, there is anticipation (often unconscious) of having certain needs met by the other person and the belief that our life is going to become greatly enhanced. Many relationships can quickly become co-dependent as each party falls into a comfortable pattern of interaction.
We all long to create deep intimate connections with others.
Yet have you ever wondered why you may be moving directly from one relationship to the next and experiencing the same blocks to intimacy? We can fall into the trap of basing our self-worth on how attractive someone else finds us. Never a smart idea to hand over our power in this way. It never seems to end well. Funny that!
A wise friend said to me years ago 'the right man at the wrong time, is the wrong man'. Click To Tweet (Thanks Adriana)
That stayed with me. At the time I was focussed on someone who was definitely ‘the wrong man’ but I was too focussed on his potential rather than reality (see previous point!). I knew she was speaking one of those inconvenient truths.
Someone reminded me that often we are not listening to what someone is telling us, as we focus on their potential, rather than how the person is actually behaving. Another inconvenient truth hey?
“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
If you’re preparing for a new romantic relationship, consider:
1) You can only love and accept someone to the degree you do so for yourself.
Your relationship with you creates the filter through which you perceive everyone. How much effort do you invest in yourself? What are your feelings about you?
When you can accept yourself, warts and all, you will be much more able to extend this courtesy to others. This also enables you to be able to receive love more easily. If you are filled with self-loathing and constantly berating your thighs for not being thin enough, what sort of person do you feel you will attract?
2) Get to know yourself (I know. Radical suggestion.)
How well do you know you? How much time do you spend tuning into your heart? Consider how much energy we focus on someone else when we start a new relationship. So much effort is made with being attentive to the other person’s needs. Imagine if we invested only a fraction of this time in getting to know ourselves. Our lives would be transformed beyond recognition. Set aside small pockets of time in your week, purely to focus on yourself and what you most need. A small exercise I recommend is to start each morning with a few deep breaths, hand on heart and ask the question “what do I most need from me?”. Listen.
3) Clean up the past
Heal any past hurts. This includes outstanding issues with how you feel about your parents. Your beliefs and feelings about them colour how you relate to everyone, whether you are aware of it or not. This is your foundational blueprint. Whatever difficulty you may have in accepting a certain aspect of your parents’ personality or behaviour, is influencing how you see all men, women and yourself.
If you are still ranting about how your Dad was at work all the time when you were 5 years old, or feeling jealous that your Mum gave more attention to your sister (in your perception), then you may want to address why you are still holding onto that 30 or 40 years later. Your beliefs about these relationships are clouding how you see everyone else in the present. See ‘Are you dating your Dad?’ and ‘How Your Ability To Receive Is Influenced By The Relationship With Your Mother‘.
4) Get clear on your deepest desires
What do you most need from you? What are your values? Take some time and seriously ask yourself. Don’t project these onto someone else. Any satisfaction can only be short-lived when we are abdicating responsibility for our own happiness. There is nothing more repellent than someone who seems ‘needy’ or ‘desperate’. No-one finds that attractive, unless they are insecure and looking for someone equally unbalanced. There is something very appealing about someone who is comfortable in their skin.
5) Be the kind of person you wish to meet
What do you need to embody to attract your ideal relationship? When you respect yourself, you send out positive signals about how you wish to be treated. It’s pointless stating that you want to attract someone who is honest, if you can’t be honest with yourself. The more specific you are about these qualities, the more you can become aware if there is anything within you that needs to be addressed. We all have sabotage patterns. The more you observe your own behaviour, the more aware you will become of these.
6) Believe that you deserve a beautiful loving relationship
Yes you do. All the wishing and hoping in the world will make no difference if you don’t truly believe that a loving relationship is possible. Focus on what you have to offer, which is so much. Don’t settle for something less, just for the sake of being with ‘someone’. It is not fair to you or to the other person. Let them go with love. If someone believes you are ‘not right’ for them, then they are certainly ‘not right’ for you. There’s nothing lonelier than remaining in a relationship past its due date. Keep trusting and moving forward with an open heart.
7) Don’t put your life on hold
If there are places you dream of travelling to and activities that you’ve always wanted to try, do it. Don’t wait until you have ‘someone to do them with’. You have you. Life is short and we never know whether it’s our last day or not. You are more likely to attract someone like-hearted if you are enjoying your life, making the most of each day and taking steps towards your dreams. Book yourself a romantic holiday for one. Invest in the most important lifelong relationship you’ll ever have – the one with yourself. Consider these points here. If you’re not prepared to do this, then who’s going to do it for you?
And a bonus intention:
Don’t confuse sex with intimacy.
Ideally the two go hand-in-hand, but some find it more challenging to let someone into their heart, than into their bed. So be honest with yourself about what you really want. If what you truly want is a meaningful relationship, then it’s wise to get to know someone before rushing too far ahead on a first date.
The smartarse joker who is 100% fixated on getting you naked from the word go and behaves like an octopus, is probably not someone you want to invest too time in, unless a fling is ALL you want. That’s fine as long as you’re not kidding yourself that this scenario is going to lead to you being flown to some tropical island for a romantic engagement once he realises he can’t live without you. Not that I believe you would ever do that. Right? Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but consider what you would advise a much loved friend.
You want the best for yourself right? You deserve the best and the sooner you know and embody this on a deeper level, the sooner you will attract someone who reflects this level of care back to you. I promise!
I would love to hear from you in the comments box below, what have been putting on hold in your life, that you can take a small action on NOW?
Featured photo above of a self-love card by the fabulous Renee Bell Photography.