As soon as Christmas is behind us we seem to be bombarded with products, cards and special offers for Valentine’s Day. Magazines are filled with articles about ‘how to tell if it’s really love’, ‘what to wear on a hot date’ and ‘romantic recipes with aphrodisiac ingredients’. Not surprisingly, if you’re single, this constant reinforcement can make it seem as if everyone is the world is paired off with their ‘tantric sex God/Goddess soul mate’ except you.
Consider what the word passion means to you and the affirmation “I live my passion”. I’m not referring to sexual gymnastics. What I mean by passion is exploring what makes you come alive. What do you truly enjoy? What sparks that fire in your belly? How can you explore more deeply what brings you the greatest fun and pleasure? Make a commitment to yourself to really consider what this means. If you can immerse yourself in that energy and come from that fiery, exciting place, imagine the possibilities that could emerge…..
So often we focus on what we believe that a relationship with another will bring us, what we ‘need’ from someone else to fill in the gaps. How often do you hear comments like ‘my other half’ or ‘my better half’. How about coming from a place of wholeness and embarking on a relationship purely for the joy of sharing that loving time and those experiences together, without being ‘needy’. Usually, in the first few months of best behaviour, we are unconsciously exploring ‘could you be the one?’ and ‘what can you do for me?’
When we look very honestly, most relationships are based on need and we play out a certain role for the other and form our very own relationship pattern. It’s no mistake how we often attract the same patterns and behaviours in our relationships, even if the other person seems to present themselves differently.
How many times have you said “oh no, not this issue again!”. If this is true for you, then consider that you are the common denominator here. What could you consider doing differently? Unconsciously, we are very comfortable playing out familiar relationship dynamics, even if they are not always healthy. For example, many relationships are often operating under the guise of parent/child or rescuer/victim dynamic. And of course, anything we have unresolved with our parents, will also play out in these intimate relationships.
John Demartini in “The Heart of Relationships” describes in a comical way relationship myths such as “A new relationship will make me happy”, “when I find my soulmate, I’ll feel complete” and “the right relationship will last forever”. It’s said in jest, but so much truth rings through it about the way we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment by the unrealistic expectations that we have of ourselves and project onto others. This is what we are sold by our society, the media and of course Hollywood.
A very empowering book that shatters many of these relationship beliefs is “I need your love: is that true?” by Byron Katie. It explores some of ways we go around in circles in our relationships when we hold onto certain beliefs or believe the thoughts that torment us about how we or our partner should/should not behave.
So if you are currently single, don’t feel like there must be something ‘wrong’ with you. Look upon this time as a gift to yourself. Make an investment in you and consider what you can do to enrich your life and fully empower yourself. Make a list right now of all the positive reasons you can think of for not being in a relationship at this time. Celebrate all the things you can focus on that bring you joy.
Why not set aside some time to focus on some self-loving, nurturing time just for you? When do you feel most relaxed and free? You could book yourself a massage or beauty treatment, go for a walk on the beach, write your dreams in a journal, an early night, go to a concert or see an exhibition or have a relaxing bath. Maybe just treat yourself to creating a lovely meal of your favourite food or ordering a home delivery. Light a candle and write a letter to yourself from your 80 year-old self, telling yourself how special you are, highlighting all your beautiful qualities and giving yourself some valuable advice that you could act upon right now. What could you tell yourself right now that would immediately uplift and inspire you?
Don’t wait for that ‘special someone’. Realise it’s YOU. As the saying goes, you’re the one that you’ve been waiting for. This is your amazing life, unique to you. How can you enjoy and celebrate yourself more fully?
BE the person you would like to be with in a loving relationship. Acknowledge each day, even in a small way, that which is great about you. It could be your sense of humour, your compassion, your great smile, your warm hugs, your patience, your ability to see another’s viewpoint, your open heart and mind, your fabulous cooking, your generosity or your willingness to be vulnerable.
Resolve and make peace with any past relationship issues and give yourself time and space to heal. Forgive yourself and any other person that comes to mind. Make yourself happy and then you will draw to you and resonate with others who are in the same loving and empowered space. As Byron Katie says “if you want to meet the love of your life, look in the mirror.”
Tell me below how realising that YOU are the love of your life and treating yourself as such, enhanced ALL your relationships.